rubbish – “sincerely, the schoolgirl”

my first memories of this brick-walled, ivory-topped
st. mary’s catholic preparatory school for girls
was of how weakly built it was
of how dull it did not shine.

the headmistress told me i would adjust quickly
that i would find my own circle of friends in no time
what the headmistress did not yet take into account
was the fact that i had not yet found myself.

there were no circles to be discovered
only loops upon endless loops of the same things upon same things
“little freak”, “you lesbian”
slurs pounded into my head during mass, before latin, after geography
the brooms kept me company as i ate my meals

i grew to hate those polished shoes, those painted smirks,
those french manicured fingernails that pulled apart sisters
meant to worship together not tear each other down

just this afternoon, headmistress found me encircled by
a gang of vultures in their freshly ironed skirts
“glad you found your crew”, she congratulated me
oh, wow, what an award it is to be the feedstock of these animals
i wanted to say but did not

the school psychologist with her ears sewn shut
i was having troubles and perhaps now i had a new monster by the name of social anxiety
she laughed like a cherry pie-
ruby red but sickly sweet, as if she was in on their joke

“honey, you’ll adjust quickly”
“you will find your circle of friends”
as if i had not heard those same words time and time again

i left her office then
not mentioning once the devouring pain of depression i
had buried beneath the lies she had accused me of
what help would it bring me to speak of those demons
when the demons dancing upon the surface of my skin
ran around with invisible curtains
pulling cloth, hiding eyes

my final memories of this brick-walled, ivory-topped
st. mary’s catholic preparatory school for girls
was of how i was destined to never to finish my schooling here
and of how their saccharine smiles hid utter rubbish.

For Poetry Rehab 101. This week’s prompt was “rubbish“. It’s been several weeks, and I am convinced I do not have it in within me to write non-dark poetry. I’m curious to find out what you readers believe happened in the above poem! Tell me in the comments. Note: this does not reflect anything that has happened to me.

✪ Angie

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